I believe we all have callings in our lives. God has a plan for each of us and He has placed desires in our hearts that evolve over time to ultimately fulfill His plan for the kingdom. Ever since I was a little girl I knew that one of my callings is to be a mom. I loved playing mom with my baby dolls, dressing them up and loving on them. I loved trying to dress up my cat and love on him too...that didn’t always work out so well...but nonetheless I knew was born to love, raise and care for little ones.
In high school my friends and I always talked about how I would be married with at least 2 or 3 kids before my 25th birthday. While all my other friends dreamed of going to college and pursuing their dream careers I dreamed of being a wife and a mom. Of course I never said this throughout college, though, when everybody and their mom asked what I was going to school for and what I wanted to do for my career. I would rattle off something like maybe a teacher or a counselor. (Things I really had considered, but wasn’t quite passionate about in that moment). But deep down inside I always ached a little because what I really wanted to say was “Be a mom!” Yet I was afraid that people wouldn’t understand or that they would say those stupid typical things that I often heard like, “just enjoy the time you have now because kids will change or ruin your life” or “you have plenty of time to have kids.” Or my favorite - some feminist rant about how women should build their careers before their families because we have a glass ceiling to break. For the record, I know and believe that there are women out there who are meant to do this, but it’s not me. But isn’t it just as important to raise, teach and discipline our next generation of men and women to be good people who don’t build those glass ceilings to begin with?
Anyway, I hated hearing these things. It hurt deep in my heart. It felt as though someone was telling me that my dream wasn’t good enough, or wasn’t important enough and that it could be put on hold so I could “enjoy life”. As if all joy, fun, and opportunity is sucked away when you have kids.
Fast forward a few years and here I am. 27 and married. No kids. Working my 9-6 job that’s not horrible, but isn’t always great either. Trying to indulge in my maternal desires by smothering the cat and dog. My timeline and plan didn’t quite work how I wanted it to...it never does. And it’s in this place that I wrestle to find contentment.
A year ago Matt and I decided that I would go off birth control so that hopefully after a few months of letting my body regulate we could start trying for a baby. I, of course, brought up the idea first, but Matt needed a couple days to think and pray about it, because he wanted to wait a bit longer to start having kids. Then a couple nights later at the dinner table he told me that he agreed we should start trying. Overwhelming joy descended upon me and all I could do was cry because my dream finally felt like it could become a reality.
So, I stopped my pill, started taking prenatal vitamins, let my body regulate for a couple months and in December 2017 we officially started trying for a baby. I anxiously awaited those few weeks before we would know....either my period would come or I would be pregnant! Those weeks came....no period! So then came the pregnancy test....negative. Ok, wait a few more days. Still no period. Still a negative test. I was in this cycle for a couple weeks until I finally called my doctor and asked for a blood test...negative. I was crushed and confused. How could I not have a period, and not be pregnant? I had always been regular so why was this happening now? The next month came and went...still no period...still no positive test.
I let this go on for 7 months. 7 months of anger, confusion, frustration, sadness, fatigue, depression, anxiety, doubt, until I finally decided to go to the doctor in July. Some blood results came back showing that my thyroid levels were WAY out of whack. I guess I wasn’t totally surprised considering my mom, grandma and great grandma all have/had hypothyroidism. It was bound to happen to me sometime. So, I started thyroid medication and also took a dose of hormones to jump start my cycle. I’ll spare you the details of what that period was like, but let me just say I think my uterus was thankful to clean house after 7 long months! I started to feel positive, thinking my body was finally going to get back on track. My thyroid med dosage had to be adjusted slightly, but already I was feeling so much better. I started working out, focusing more on eating healthy and felt like I was finally getting back to normal. Fast forward to the middle of October and I still hadn’t had a natural period, though.
Throughout this whole year I have kept telling myself that it’s just not God’s timing for us to have a baby right now and His timing is perfect. But that doesn’t take away the emotions. That doesn’t take away the pain every time someone asks when we are having a baby or demands that we should get on it. I can only bear to say, “it’s not like we aren’t trying” so many times. It doesn’t take away the sting when I see a new baby announcement on social media. It doesn’t take away the anger and moments of doubt. It doesn’t take away the questions - why do they get to have babies when they weren’t even trying or didn’t want one? It doesn’t take away the heartbreak.
On top of this, Matt has another dream of his own that he has been anxiously pursuing this year that has put us through a long, tedious and frustrating process. This could be a whole other blog post so I’ll keep it short. The process he is going through keeps getting postponed months at a time which leaves us even more frustrated and confused as to what God has planned for us.
And here’s the thing we’ve had to accept – this is God’s plan right now. God has us in a season of waiting because it’s good for us. Sometimes God puts us through these seasons of testing so that we can learn and grow to truly depend on and trust in Him. Matt and I have experienced this testing in so many ways this year - our marriage, our jobs, our dreams and desires. It has not been easy. It has not always been seen as a blessing or as something good. We have both wanted to give up. We have both been hurt and shed tears, but we have also both matured and sought God like we never have before. And He has responded in faithfulness, meeting us in those messy places.
Our hope and our trust has come from the simple fact that sometimes God isn’t saying “No” to our prayers, He’s saying, “Not Yet”. A blocked door is not necessarily a closed door.
As I sit here now, having taken a few days to get all these thoughts in writing, I am still filled with moments of sadness, anger, frustration, and confusion, but I am also filled with gratitude and hope. I have hope for our marriage, our jobs, our dreams and desires. I have hope that my body is back to normal, because (Praise God!) in the final days of writing this my period started! 100% naturally, no hormones. I have hope that I will be a mom someday soon. But that day isn’t here yet and I don’t know when it will be here. So in the meantime I still need to fight every day to find contentment.
I know I am not the only one who has ever felt this way, and I know my situation could be worse. There are SO many women out there who have been trying to have a baby for months, even years and are hurting. There are women who desire so badly to be moms but are struggling every day to get pregnant; there are women who are suffering miscarriages or dealing with infertility; and there are women who are simply just still in that season of waiting - for the right man, the right time, whatever it may be. They are angry, frustrated, confused, hurting, desperate and heartbroken. If you are one of these women, please know that I am praying for you. I empathize with you and I love you.
So many women don’t share about their struggles until they have had a successful pregnancy and are in that season of joy. I’m not there yet, but I am sick of holding all of these emotions in to myself. I want women to know that it’s ok to talk about these things. We should not be ashamed to honestly share our struggles and our hurt.
And to anyone reading this, if you know a woman, any woman at all, please stop telling her she has all the time in the world to have babies. Please stop telling her that kids will change her life as if it’s the most horrible thing that could happen to her. Please stop asking or demanding when she is going to have kids. Please stop defaulting to telling her it will happen when it’s supposed to. For women who really want children, these statements and questions can be hurtful. I’m not saying that we need to just completely avoid talking about babies and pregnancy at all, but please try to be more sensitive about it. Have a gentle tone when approaching the subject -not demanding or assuming - because you never know what struggles someone has been through. And please, never ever criticize a woman for "just" wanting to be a mom. Just because it's the 21st century doesn't mean we all have to be career women.
I believe that being a mom will be the most challenging, exhausting, and emotional job I could ever have, but also the most rewarding, and I cannot wait until I get that opportunity. Until that time comes, "I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope. I wait for the Lord" Psalm 130:5
Friday 26 October 2018
Sunday 13 September 2015
Grandparent's Day
I know that holidays like Mother's Day, Father's Day and Grandparent's Day can be a bit hokey and are what many people call a "Hallmark Holiday"...just another day for the card stores to make money. I do enjoy taking a day, though, to really show appreciation for my parents and grandparents. (Even thought it doesn't and shouldn't take a holiday to show appreciation and love)
This particular Grandparent's Day has been pretty special to me because it marks the first that I have not had all four grandparents alive. As most of you know my grandpa Ray passed away a little over a month ago. Wow...it's already been over a month. How time flies and life here on Earth carries on for everyone else...
We all know that everyone eventually passes on, but until that reality hits it's hard to understand. I have known of death in distant relatives and acquaintances and I have cried at funerals, feeling the pain of others who are grieving. I have never truly known how to empathize, though, until now. I have been so incredibly blessed in my 24 years of life that I have not truly known the heartache of losing someone close to me. So as you can imagine, this has been difficult for me.
I have always been scared of death. The first funeral I attended was for my great-grandma when I was about five or six years old. During the viewing of the body, my cousin Chelsea took me up to the casket and dared me to touch her. I touched her hand for a brief second and it freaked me out. (She also used to love to take me walking through the cemetery behind my aunt and uncle's house, which I did not like. Thanks, Chelsea, for traumatizing me as a young child! lol) Anyway, I remember from such a young age that I was scared with funerals, cemeteries, and I was absolutely terrified of me or my loved ones dying. It seemed so dark and creepy. To be quite honest with you, I have been scared of death until this year. A huge part of that is attributed to experiencing my grandpa's death, but it also has to do with a strengthened faith and relationship with God. Knowing what awaits us...eternal life after death...makes it not so scary.
When my grandpa was in the hospital and we knew he was going to pass soon it was incredibly important to me that I be there, not only as a support for my family, but selfishly to give myself that understanding and closure, for lack of a better term. As hard and emotional as it was, I will never regret the decision to be there.
It was a spiritual experience, and an absolute honor, to witness his last breaths here on Earth.
That night the room was filled with tears, laughter,and sadness yet there was such a sense of peace within me. His suffering has ended. No more back or hip pain. No more discomfort from the stroke. It is all gone and he is in God's hands now. That's a beautiful thing. My heart is broken, in a way that I have never felt before,..broken and grieving for my grandma who lost her husband of almost 65 years, for my aunt and dad who have lost their father, and for my cousins, brothers and myself who have lost such a loving and amazing grandfather.
After experiencing his passing and being able to hold his hand, talk to him and kiss his forehead shortly after his last breaths, I am not so afraid of death anymore.
I will still be completely uncomfortable with it. I will cry. I will grieve. I will let my heart be completely broken. I will not want to experience change and the hurt of missing someone. I will miss my grandpa terribly. I will miss his laugh, his stories, and his awkward yet oh so endearing hugs. But I will take comfort in knowing that death is a new beginning and we will all be together again someday.
I will say, I even overcame a bit of my fear from that 5-year-old moment of touching a body in a casket. I was able to place my hand on my grandpa's shoulder to say my final goodbye at the viewing, It's a strange feeling, but it was one of those things that I knew I needed to do for myself. My brother, Josh, explained it perfectly: It's like seeing Dale Earnhardt's car, but Dale Earnhardt isn't there. The driver is gone. It's just not the same.
While writing about the funeral and the viewing, I want to take a moment to thank everyone who has shown love and support to my family and me during this time. Thank you to Ft. Logan for a beautiful and emotional service with military honors. Thank you to Uncle Gale and Rick who, with my brothers, cousin Sarah and I, shared the honor of being pall bearers. Although I know they won't read this, I want to thank all of my grandpa's old coworkers and friends who attended the funeral and shared stories of their admiration for him. He was absolutely loved by so many and that makes my heart feel so full. I am filled with admiration for him and all that he did in his lifetime. I am inspired by him to fill my life with hobbies and passions. Nothing was out of reach for him and I won't let it be for me either.
This year has made me realize how truly blessed I am to have four incredible grandparents who have always been so generous and supportive. They are all so special to me and I wish I could keep them all in my life forever...and I will even if they may not always be here physically.
If I could just throw in a dash of humor for a second, this is a note to my grandparents now: Please just hang in there until I get married and have kids. I'd really like them to know you. I know at the rate I'm going it seems like that will never happen, but it will, I promise! :)
Anyway, I am lucky enough to have been able to spend a lot of time with my grandma Lou this past month since my grandpa's passing. She is such an incredible woman. She is strong, stubborn in the best ways and so full of God's love. I was also so thankful to be able to visit my grandpa Bud and grandma Frances today. To just sit with my grandparents for a few hours and talk about life is life-giving and fulfilling. I am amazed by their strength, generosity, stubbornness (It's all that German and Irish on both sides of the family!) and the fullness of their hearts with God's love also. I mean, wow. I wish I could just brag to everyone about everything all of my grandparents have done in their lives and what they have given me in this life. If I can be half the woman that both of my grandmothers are, I will be so lucky. (and incredibly fierce...watch out, world!) And I can only hope that my husband has the love and dedication to family that both of my grandpas have.
With all of that being said, I want to conclude this post by saying thank you. Thank you Grandpa Ray, Grandma Lou, Grandpa Bud and Grandma Frances for being the best grandparents I could ever ask for! Thank you for all of the experiences, memories, lessons, gifts, jokes, laughs, tears, and love over the years. I hope you all know how appreciated and loved you are by me and by so many others. While I could make this a whole other post, I want to share just a few of my favorite memories from my grandparents over the years:
With Grandpa Bud and Grandma Frances:
So much love to you all!
This particular Grandparent's Day has been pretty special to me because it marks the first that I have not had all four grandparents alive. As most of you know my grandpa Ray passed away a little over a month ago. Wow...it's already been over a month. How time flies and life here on Earth carries on for everyone else...
We all know that everyone eventually passes on, but until that reality hits it's hard to understand. I have known of death in distant relatives and acquaintances and I have cried at funerals, feeling the pain of others who are grieving. I have never truly known how to empathize, though, until now. I have been so incredibly blessed in my 24 years of life that I have not truly known the heartache of losing someone close to me. So as you can imagine, this has been difficult for me.
I have always been scared of death. The first funeral I attended was for my great-grandma when I was about five or six years old. During the viewing of the body, my cousin Chelsea took me up to the casket and dared me to touch her. I touched her hand for a brief second and it freaked me out. (She also used to love to take me walking through the cemetery behind my aunt and uncle's house, which I did not like. Thanks, Chelsea, for traumatizing me as a young child! lol) Anyway, I remember from such a young age that I was scared with funerals, cemeteries, and I was absolutely terrified of me or my loved ones dying. It seemed so dark and creepy. To be quite honest with you, I have been scared of death until this year. A huge part of that is attributed to experiencing my grandpa's death, but it also has to do with a strengthened faith and relationship with God. Knowing what awaits us...eternal life after death...makes it not so scary.
When my grandpa was in the hospital and we knew he was going to pass soon it was incredibly important to me that I be there, not only as a support for my family, but selfishly to give myself that understanding and closure, for lack of a better term. As hard and emotional as it was, I will never regret the decision to be there.
It was a spiritual experience, and an absolute honor, to witness his last breaths here on Earth.
That night the room was filled with tears, laughter,and sadness yet there was such a sense of peace within me. His suffering has ended. No more back or hip pain. No more discomfort from the stroke. It is all gone and he is in God's hands now. That's a beautiful thing. My heart is broken, in a way that I have never felt before,..broken and grieving for my grandma who lost her husband of almost 65 years, for my aunt and dad who have lost their father, and for my cousins, brothers and myself who have lost such a loving and amazing grandfather.
After experiencing his passing and being able to hold his hand, talk to him and kiss his forehead shortly after his last breaths, I am not so afraid of death anymore.
I will still be completely uncomfortable with it. I will cry. I will grieve. I will let my heart be completely broken. I will not want to experience change and the hurt of missing someone. I will miss my grandpa terribly. I will miss his laugh, his stories, and his awkward yet oh so endearing hugs. But I will take comfort in knowing that death is a new beginning and we will all be together again someday.
I will say, I even overcame a bit of my fear from that 5-year-old moment of touching a body in a casket. I was able to place my hand on my grandpa's shoulder to say my final goodbye at the viewing, It's a strange feeling, but it was one of those things that I knew I needed to do for myself. My brother, Josh, explained it perfectly: It's like seeing Dale Earnhardt's car, but Dale Earnhardt isn't there. The driver is gone. It's just not the same.
While writing about the funeral and the viewing, I want to take a moment to thank everyone who has shown love and support to my family and me during this time. Thank you to Ft. Logan for a beautiful and emotional service with military honors. Thank you to Uncle Gale and Rick who, with my brothers, cousin Sarah and I, shared the honor of being pall bearers. Although I know they won't read this, I want to thank all of my grandpa's old coworkers and friends who attended the funeral and shared stories of their admiration for him. He was absolutely loved by so many and that makes my heart feel so full. I am filled with admiration for him and all that he did in his lifetime. I am inspired by him to fill my life with hobbies and passions. Nothing was out of reach for him and I won't let it be for me either.
This year has made me realize how truly blessed I am to have four incredible grandparents who have always been so generous and supportive. They are all so special to me and I wish I could keep them all in my life forever...and I will even if they may not always be here physically.
If I could just throw in a dash of humor for a second, this is a note to my grandparents now: Please just hang in there until I get married and have kids. I'd really like them to know you. I know at the rate I'm going it seems like that will never happen, but it will, I promise! :)
Anyway, I am lucky enough to have been able to spend a lot of time with my grandma Lou this past month since my grandpa's passing. She is such an incredible woman. She is strong, stubborn in the best ways and so full of God's love. I was also so thankful to be able to visit my grandpa Bud and grandma Frances today. To just sit with my grandparents for a few hours and talk about life is life-giving and fulfilling. I am amazed by their strength, generosity, stubbornness (It's all that German and Irish on both sides of the family!) and the fullness of their hearts with God's love also. I mean, wow. I wish I could just brag to everyone about everything all of my grandparents have done in their lives and what they have given me in this life. If I can be half the woman that both of my grandmothers are, I will be so lucky. (and incredibly fierce...watch out, world!) And I can only hope that my husband has the love and dedication to family that both of my grandpas have.
With all of that being said, I want to conclude this post by saying thank you. Thank you Grandpa Ray, Grandma Lou, Grandpa Bud and Grandma Frances for being the best grandparents I could ever ask for! Thank you for all of the experiences, memories, lessons, gifts, jokes, laughs, tears, and love over the years. I hope you all know how appreciated and loved you are by me and by so many others. While I could make this a whole other post, I want to share just a few of my favorite memories from my grandparents over the years:
With Grandpa Bud and Grandma Frances:
- Road and camping trips in your 5th wheel. So many great trips camping in style!
- Sleepovers with popcorn and ice cream every night
- Fishing
- Grandpa's ridiculous jokes that I need to start writing down so I can share them with my grandkids one day
- Shopping ALL day with grandma...how did we do it??
- Getting to spend almost every holiday together.
With Grandpa Ray and Grandma Lou:
- Trips to the museum, letting Josh & I wander around while grandpa worked in the lab (also, the tours of areas prohibited to the public)
- Fishing (and breaking grandpa's rule: Don't catch more fish than him...oops!)
- Strudels with blue frosting for breakfast
- Easter egg hunts
- "beach" days at Chatfield
- Getting to spend almost every holiday together.
So much love to you all!
Sunday 8 March 2015
Quarter Life Crisis
Almost two months ago I sat down and wrote a blog post that was full of happiness, excitement, love and optimism for the future. This year started out great and I truly thought everything in my life was finally falling perfectly into place...I was starting a new job that would pay more, I had a great boyfriend and we were going to move in together. Then, in the blink of an eye, everything that I had planned fell apart and it went like this:
- I started my job and wasn't feeling too sure about it, but I thought it was just new job jitters.
- My boyfriend very unexpectedly broke up with me and erased me from his life...without giving any real explanation or closure to me.
- Anxiety hit me like a ton of bricks.
- Within a week ,I quit my job knowing in my gut and in my heart that it was the best decision for me. After a lot of thought, I realized that I had taken the job for money and because I knew it's what everyone around me wanted to do...despite it not feeling completely right from the beginning of the interview process. (Lesson learned there!)
My quarter life crisis had begun.
Never in my life had I felt so defeated as I did that week. I has struggled for a few years to find a good relationship and a good career. I believed I had finally found those and I had everything planned out. To watch all those plans disappear within a matter of moments was devastating. I'm not going to lie, I was a complete wreck for about a solid week. From the second I woke up every morning (or every time I woke up in the middle of the night because I wasn't sleeping well) my stomach and my heart felt so heavy, I couldn't eat without wanting to throw up, and all I wanted to do was cry because that seemed to be the only thing that would help release some pain for a brief moment. Sleep was the next best option, even though my dreams didn't always let me escape.
I was heartbroken, angry, frustrated, hurt, sad, and confused about everything...the end of the relationship and the fact that I was now jobless and had no freaking clue what I was going to do... and you better believe that I absolutely let myself feel all of those emotions to the very depth of my soul. I let them control me for a solid week. I know that these are things that people go through every day, but I admit I am a highly emotional person. I love the saying: "It is both a blessing and a curse to feel things so deeply."
The incredible thing, though, is that despite feeling all of those horrible emotions, I could still feel deep down a teeny tiny spark of hope and optimism. There was a small part of me that would have to tell myself everyday that I was going to be okay. It was faith in God that He would bring me through this and lead me to where I need to be.
After spending a week in Utah, (a huge thank you to Aunt Pam & Uncle Tom for flying me out there and taking care of me!) and gathering my thoughts, I reached a point of acceptance with where my life is at. Now, here's the thing that I think it very important for people to know: Acceptance and being "over" something are two completely different things. I am definitely not "over" everything yet. I still have moments of sadness, anger, and confusion. I'm still healing my heart and mind, working on letting go. Acceptance, though, has been helping that process. Acceptance is saying, "Okay. This sucks, and I am allowed to feel all of these crappy emotions, but I know that this is the reality. All these things happened for a reason and it is probably for the best. I am okay and I will continue to be okay."
I have had a lot of support from friends and family as well, which has really helped. So, especially to my incredible mom, and all my friends and family who have been there for me, thank you! You all mean the world to me and I don't know what I would do without you.
It's funny, though, how quickly I reached a point where I just didn't really want to talk to people about everything. I have already reached a certain point of acceptance and, quite honestly, I just don't want to deal with rehashing the whole story and hearing some of the typical responses:
- "It's his loss"
- It's not just his loss. I clearly lost someone I cared about. I lost a relationship and a plan for the future. That's something to grieve, and no one should tell me otherwise.
- "You're still young, just have fun and date."
- I hate this. I just hate it. I will have fun in my life whether I am young, old, single or in a relationship. I don't want to date a ton of people and if I were to meet the love of my life tomorrow I don't want to be told that I'm still too "young".
- "The right job will come along"
- I know it will. I know it doesn't always happen overnight. I think I'm old enough to realize that this is not the end of the world.
I know some of my friends and family have already said these things to me, and I understand. I know that it is coming from a place of caring and wanting to be positive for me, and I appreciate that. Sometimes, though, these responses feel like that person is minimizing what I'm going through and feeling. It's almost like saying, "Whatever. Let it go already." Because I know that things will get better, sometimes I just want acknowledgment that it's okay to feel whatever I am feeling in this moment.
So, I'm going to leave you with this last thought...if someone you know is going through a rough time and they confide in you how they are feeling, try to avoid all of those typical responses just for a bit. Try to just acknowledge that their feelings and emotions are real and they are okay. Even though it's usually not intentional, don't make them feel bad for what they're feeling. We all grieve and process differently and within different amounts of time. Simply be there for your friend or family member if that's what they need.
My mom did a great job of reminding me to stay positive and to take care of myself, but she mostly just let me cry on her shoulder. She showed her support by letting me know she understood how I was feeling because of her own experiences, and let me know that everything I was feeling was normal and it was okay. That was the best support I could have asked for.
Phew...so if you've made it this far, you've made it through my rollercoaster of emotions. Thank you.
Saturday 17 January 2015
2014 in a Nutshell
Once again, I have waited months and months to update my blog. To be fair, though, I have been writing in my personal journal pretty often lately, so I've been putting my thoughts down, just not here.
2014 was a year of many ups and downs for me...as I'm sure it was for most people. I started the year off by working two jobs. I was lead cashier at DSW and serving tables at The Rock. I was still in a weird funk since coming back from Ireland a few months before, searching for independence and a better job. To top it off, I was starting to have some serious pain and health issues that I couldn't seem to find an answer to. After months and months of several doctor's visits, examinations, ultrasounds, and an MRI I still didn't have an answer. First, they thought it was pelvic inflammation, then there was a possibility there was something else going on with my uterus. I finally went in and had an X-RAY and found the cause....kidney stones! Seriously?! I was frustrated because it took that long to figure out the issue, which really was so simple, but I was thankful it wasn't something worse.
February 22nd brought the opportunity for me to experience something I never had before....watching a baby being born in real life! My beautiful goddaughter, Georgia, was born and Sarah and Tanner were gracious enough to let me apart of that experience. It was amazing. A little gross as to be expected, but overall just really incredible! It's really a miracle.
In April I finally found a great full time job at Columbia College, working as an administrative assistant. I can't even begin to explain how thankful I am for the opportunity to work there. I'm not going to lie, there are several days that I do not want to go to work, and I have definitely encountered several people who are difficult people to work with, but it has been such a great first "big girl" job! My coworkers are awesome, the flexibility there was super helpful, especially with all of my health issues, the experience and knowledge I have gained will be super helpful in future careers, and I met a pretty special someone there....but more on that later!
My birthday was awesome. I spent it in Blackhawk. Oh man...good times there. My birthday present from my parents was probably one of my favorites...my very own waders and boots for fly fishing! Dorky, I know, but I was using older waders and boots and was getting a wet foot every time and let me tell you how fun it is to stand in a cold river with a soaked foot....it's NOT!! So, of course, dad and I had to go fishing a couple times through the year. We didn't have much luck, but it's always worth it to spend that time with my dad.
Shortly after my birthday I ended up shaving my head for the first time. (not all of it, just an undercut) but talk about liberating!!
Towards the end of August, into September I hit a rough patch. My anxiety was really starting to kick in which resulted in a few panic attacks and a pretty rough depression. I've had some low points in my life, but this was by far the worst. I didn't have an interest in doing anything. I literally just wanted to lie in bed and sleep all day and not have to face the day. I struggled to drag myself through every day, though, to go to work and try to maintain some friendships. During this time I was also having health issues again. I was having pain under my ribs almost every day. I was trying holistic approaches of getting better and nothing seemed to really be working too well. It was during this time that I decided that I wanted to start therapy. I had always thought about it, especially while I was going through school studying psychology. So I finally bit the bullet and just went for it. That was probably one of the best decisions I made in 2014.
I was finally able to start working on my thought patterns and exploring my mind and my emotions. After awhile I was starting to feel really good again and I almost felt like a new me. I had started going to church again (mostly just to the Young Adults group) and I was taking time for me. I, for the first time in a VERY long time, finally felt 100% comfortable just being with myself, working on my relationship with God and with my own spirit. I still spent time with my friends, but I mostly just wanted to be alone and I definitely did not want to even think about dating. I was content and it felt so damn good. So, of course, that's when he came along...
In October, I ended up in the ER one morning because I woke up just feeling so sick and having a lot of pain. After having an ultrasound, I discovered I had sludge in my gallbladder. So I quickly had surgery to remove that sucker. Recovery was a little rough, but it could have been a lot worse. I need to give a huge shout out to everyone who came to visit, or sent me nice texts and messages on fb. You all rock and made me feel so loved! My appetite was really lacking for a few months after the surgery and it actually has just now gotten back on track and I'm eating so much. I need to slow down a bit now...or just actually stark working out. Ugh.
I'd say the last month of the year was by far the best. Derek and I were finally able to go out on a date and I'd say we hit it off immediately. Since then I have thoroughly enjoyed spending time with him, getting to know him, and having those special, little silly moments that just make me smile because they're almost too perfect! I'm a very lucky girl to have such a respectful, fun, and handsome guy in my life. New Year's marks the day we officially became a couple.
So here we are, already 17 days into 2015 and life is so good. I am starting a new job on the 26th at CU Denver. It's going to be quite a change and I'm sad to be leaving some friends behind at Columbia, but I know it's going to be a good change!
If you're still reading this....thank you! Here's to a wonderful year ahead!
2014 was a year of many ups and downs for me...as I'm sure it was for most people. I started the year off by working two jobs. I was lead cashier at DSW and serving tables at The Rock. I was still in a weird funk since coming back from Ireland a few months before, searching for independence and a better job. To top it off, I was starting to have some serious pain and health issues that I couldn't seem to find an answer to. After months and months of several doctor's visits, examinations, ultrasounds, and an MRI I still didn't have an answer. First, they thought it was pelvic inflammation, then there was a possibility there was something else going on with my uterus. I finally went in and had an X-RAY and found the cause....kidney stones! Seriously?! I was frustrated because it took that long to figure out the issue, which really was so simple, but I was thankful it wasn't something worse.
February 22nd brought the opportunity for me to experience something I never had before....watching a baby being born in real life! My beautiful goddaughter, Georgia, was born and Sarah and Tanner were gracious enough to let me apart of that experience. It was amazing. A little gross as to be expected, but overall just really incredible! It's really a miracle.
In April I finally found a great full time job at Columbia College, working as an administrative assistant. I can't even begin to explain how thankful I am for the opportunity to work there. I'm not going to lie, there are several days that I do not want to go to work, and I have definitely encountered several people who are difficult people to work with, but it has been such a great first "big girl" job! My coworkers are awesome, the flexibility there was super helpful, especially with all of my health issues, the experience and knowledge I have gained will be super helpful in future careers, and I met a pretty special someone there....but more on that later!
My birthday was awesome. I spent it in Blackhawk. Oh man...good times there. My birthday present from my parents was probably one of my favorites...my very own waders and boots for fly fishing! Dorky, I know, but I was using older waders and boots and was getting a wet foot every time and let me tell you how fun it is to stand in a cold river with a soaked foot....it's NOT!! So, of course, dad and I had to go fishing a couple times through the year. We didn't have much luck, but it's always worth it to spend that time with my dad.
Shortly after my birthday I ended up shaving my head for the first time. (not all of it, just an undercut) but talk about liberating!!
Towards the end of August, into September I hit a rough patch. My anxiety was really starting to kick in which resulted in a few panic attacks and a pretty rough depression. I've had some low points in my life, but this was by far the worst. I didn't have an interest in doing anything. I literally just wanted to lie in bed and sleep all day and not have to face the day. I struggled to drag myself through every day, though, to go to work and try to maintain some friendships. During this time I was also having health issues again. I was having pain under my ribs almost every day. I was trying holistic approaches of getting better and nothing seemed to really be working too well. It was during this time that I decided that I wanted to start therapy. I had always thought about it, especially while I was going through school studying psychology. So I finally bit the bullet and just went for it. That was probably one of the best decisions I made in 2014.
I was finally able to start working on my thought patterns and exploring my mind and my emotions. After awhile I was starting to feel really good again and I almost felt like a new me. I had started going to church again (mostly just to the Young Adults group) and I was taking time for me. I, for the first time in a VERY long time, finally felt 100% comfortable just being with myself, working on my relationship with God and with my own spirit. I still spent time with my friends, but I mostly just wanted to be alone and I definitely did not want to even think about dating. I was content and it felt so damn good. So, of course, that's when he came along...
In October, I ended up in the ER one morning because I woke up just feeling so sick and having a lot of pain. After having an ultrasound, I discovered I had sludge in my gallbladder. So I quickly had surgery to remove that sucker. Recovery was a little rough, but it could have been a lot worse. I need to give a huge shout out to everyone who came to visit, or sent me nice texts and messages on fb. You all rock and made me feel so loved! My appetite was really lacking for a few months after the surgery and it actually has just now gotten back on track and I'm eating so much. I need to slow down a bit now...or just actually stark working out. Ugh.
I'd say the last month of the year was by far the best. Derek and I were finally able to go out on a date and I'd say we hit it off immediately. Since then I have thoroughly enjoyed spending time with him, getting to know him, and having those special, little silly moments that just make me smile because they're almost too perfect! I'm a very lucky girl to have such a respectful, fun, and handsome guy in my life. New Year's marks the day we officially became a couple.
So here we are, already 17 days into 2015 and life is so good. I am starting a new job on the 26th at CU Denver. It's going to be quite a change and I'm sad to be leaving some friends behind at Columbia, but I know it's going to be a good change!
If you're still reading this....thank you! Here's to a wonderful year ahead!
Wednesday 20 August 2014
I'm Right Where I Belong
Wow...my last post was in March. I'm not very good at blogging regularly so this might be a long one because I have a lot to say. I might just end up writing a few small blogs over the next couple of days. Anyway, here goes...
In my last blog I ended it by saying that hopefully my "big girl job" was on the horizon...boy I couldn't have been more right! As most people know I started working at Columbia College as an administrative assistant in April. All I have to say is that I am so blessed to be working there. While the daily tasks are somewhat mundane and sometimes tedious, I could not ask for a better group of people to be working with and that's what makes the difference to me. Everyone is so kind, helpful, understanding, respectful and appreciative. I am reminded so often by my wonderful coworkers how thankful they are that I am working there and that feels really good. I am able to sit at my desk and do my thing...no one micromanages or hounds me all day...I feel like I am truly respected and appreciated as an independent and hardworking person.
I was reminded this week, though, that I'm not just there to help my coworkers; I'm there to help the students, also. There is a student who was changing campuses from Missouri to Denver and I was her first point of contact. A couple of weeks ago she called and I walked her through all of the steps of getting the right forms submitted and throughout the days that followed I kept in touch with her, making sure everything was processed in time so she could get registered for classes. To me, it was no big deal. I was just doing my job.
She called me on Monday with a question about her first class that evening and after her question was answered she broke down crying on the phone saying how thankful she was for me and everything I have done for her. She told me how where she came from people are not nice, especially to black people, and she has dealt with that discrimination for quite some time, so she was so thankful for my kindness. She told me that God has put me there for a reason and I should never change. She then said, "I don't even know you and I love you with the love of Christ." Talk about powerful. I was almost in tears myself. To me, I was just doing my job and being kind to another human being. It wasn't that big of a deal. But when I spoke to her I realized how much a small act of kindness can mean to another person.
Tonight, I had the greatest pleasure of meeting her! She is truly a bright spirit that I am so thankful to have met. I think in her mind, I was the helpful one who provided some words of encouragement, but really, she gave me a gift of encouragement that I was in dire need of. The past couple of weeks have been rough and I have felt a little lost, so then to have someone, who doesn't even know you, genuinely tell you that you are exactly where God wants you to be and to never change is such a beautiful thing.
To some, they may just be words, but to me...that was exactly what I needed to hear this week. That was the spark I needed to keep my head up and to keep doing what I'm doing, because what I really want to do in life is help people. I can do that even just being the lowest one on the totem pole as an admin. I just want to share encouragement, love and kindness with people in all aspects of my life. It honestly makes me feel really good knowing that I can help others and make them feel good, too. I think that's what life needs to be about-- building each other up so we can all be better human beings. God knows that I need those people in my life to keep me going, too. There was such a joyful energy between the two of us tonight and that's something I wish people could experience more often.
While I will always still have my moments or even entire days that I struggle, I am so confident right now that I am exactly where I need to be and there are only more good things to come.
In my last blog I ended it by saying that hopefully my "big girl job" was on the horizon...boy I couldn't have been more right! As most people know I started working at Columbia College as an administrative assistant in April. All I have to say is that I am so blessed to be working there. While the daily tasks are somewhat mundane and sometimes tedious, I could not ask for a better group of people to be working with and that's what makes the difference to me. Everyone is so kind, helpful, understanding, respectful and appreciative. I am reminded so often by my wonderful coworkers how thankful they are that I am working there and that feels really good. I am able to sit at my desk and do my thing...no one micromanages or hounds me all day...I feel like I am truly respected and appreciated as an independent and hardworking person.
I was reminded this week, though, that I'm not just there to help my coworkers; I'm there to help the students, also. There is a student who was changing campuses from Missouri to Denver and I was her first point of contact. A couple of weeks ago she called and I walked her through all of the steps of getting the right forms submitted and throughout the days that followed I kept in touch with her, making sure everything was processed in time so she could get registered for classes. To me, it was no big deal. I was just doing my job.
She called me on Monday with a question about her first class that evening and after her question was answered she broke down crying on the phone saying how thankful she was for me and everything I have done for her. She told me how where she came from people are not nice, especially to black people, and she has dealt with that discrimination for quite some time, so she was so thankful for my kindness. She told me that God has put me there for a reason and I should never change. She then said, "I don't even know you and I love you with the love of Christ." Talk about powerful. I was almost in tears myself. To me, I was just doing my job and being kind to another human being. It wasn't that big of a deal. But when I spoke to her I realized how much a small act of kindness can mean to another person.
Tonight, I had the greatest pleasure of meeting her! She is truly a bright spirit that I am so thankful to have met. I think in her mind, I was the helpful one who provided some words of encouragement, but really, she gave me a gift of encouragement that I was in dire need of. The past couple of weeks have been rough and I have felt a little lost, so then to have someone, who doesn't even know you, genuinely tell you that you are exactly where God wants you to be and to never change is such a beautiful thing.
To some, they may just be words, but to me...that was exactly what I needed to hear this week. That was the spark I needed to keep my head up and to keep doing what I'm doing, because what I really want to do in life is help people. I can do that even just being the lowest one on the totem pole as an admin. I just want to share encouragement, love and kindness with people in all aspects of my life. It honestly makes me feel really good knowing that I can help others and make them feel good, too. I think that's what life needs to be about-- building each other up so we can all be better human beings. God knows that I need those people in my life to keep me going, too. There was such a joyful energy between the two of us tonight and that's something I wish people could experience more often.
While I will always still have my moments or even entire days that I struggle, I am so confident right now that I am exactly where I need to be and there are only more good things to come.
Sunday 30 March 2014
It's Been Awhile
Wow, I absolutely cannot believe it has already been over 6 months since I have been back from Ireland. I miss it every single day! Not a day goes by that I don't think about the incredible experiences I had and the wonderful people I met from all over the world. I find myself still talking about the trip a lot and comparing little things here and there between the U.S. and Ireland. I know to some people it probably seems like I'm still stuck in that experience, but it really had a huge impact on me and those experiences are something I want to carry with me and share for the rest of my life. And, while I do feel nostalgic a lot and do not want to lose those memories and feelings, I do realize life back in the U.S. has had to resume, and it hasn't always been easy.
When I got back from Ireland I pretty much immediately went back to work serving tables at The Rock that week. It was not something I wanted to do, but when you only have about $20 to your name, you will take whatever you can get...I was hoping I would be able to find a full time job "big girl" job quickly, but that proved to be a lot more difficult than I had imagined. So, I ended getting a second part-time job to try to pay off some of that debt. It has been very hard at times. I have had 12-13 hour work days that have just completely beat down my body and mind, but I know hard work pays off and I think it has definitely humbled me.
I'm not going to lie, the first couple months back home were hard. It was great being back with my family and friends, and I was so thankful for everything that I had, but life back in the states hadn't quite met my expectations and that led me to a pretty dark place. I was lost and didn't know my place. I think that I had hoped while I was in Ireland I would discover myself and be completely sure of who I am by the end of the 2 months and come home completely renewed, enlightened, and have everything figured out. Looking back on it now, that was pretty foolish of me. How can a 22 year old have her life figured out in two months?! And why would I want to? Isn't life about always learning and growing? Don't get me wrong, though, I feel like I did grow and learn a lot while abroad. I have such a greater curiosity now for other cultures and just for people in general. I want to explore and I feel like I gained a confidence that I didn't have before. I realized I need to stop thinking and worrying so much about the end point and just embrace and enjoy the journey that I'm on in life, and that's something I struggle with every day, but I'm going to keep working on it.
I learned a little bit in Ireland about a concept called mindfulness. "Mindfulness is a state of active, open attention on the present. When you're mindful, you observe your thoughts and feelings from a distance, without judging them good or bad. Instead of letting your life pass you by, mindfulness means living in the moment and awakening to experience." In this crazy, fast-paced and technological world it's often very difficult to do this because we are so robotic in our every day motions and we get so caught up in our phones and everything. But you can even have moments of mindfulness for the 2 minutes that you're brushing your teeth every day. I have been trying to practice mindfulness little by little every day. I, of course, get caught up in the worry, the chaos, the technology...but I have noticed even taking 10 minutes a day to just sit outside or in a quiet place, breathe in and out, and be completely aware can make a huge difference. It's very spiritual and psychological...two things that are right up my alley!
So, for now I am trying to make the choice, daily, to fully embrace and enjoy this journey I'm on in life! I do not know what the future holds, and most days I am still completely lost, but I have high hopes that it will be great! My "big girl" job is hopefully on the horizon and eventually I'll find my special man to share the rest of this adventure with. Until then...I'll just keep truckin', as they say, and live a life full of love!
When I got back from Ireland I pretty much immediately went back to work serving tables at The Rock that week. It was not something I wanted to do, but when you only have about $20 to your name, you will take whatever you can get...I was hoping I would be able to find a full time job "big girl" job quickly, but that proved to be a lot more difficult than I had imagined. So, I ended getting a second part-time job to try to pay off some of that debt. It has been very hard at times. I have had 12-13 hour work days that have just completely beat down my body and mind, but I know hard work pays off and I think it has definitely humbled me.
I'm not going to lie, the first couple months back home were hard. It was great being back with my family and friends, and I was so thankful for everything that I had, but life back in the states hadn't quite met my expectations and that led me to a pretty dark place. I was lost and didn't know my place. I think that I had hoped while I was in Ireland I would discover myself and be completely sure of who I am by the end of the 2 months and come home completely renewed, enlightened, and have everything figured out. Looking back on it now, that was pretty foolish of me. How can a 22 year old have her life figured out in two months?! And why would I want to? Isn't life about always learning and growing? Don't get me wrong, though, I feel like I did grow and learn a lot while abroad. I have such a greater curiosity now for other cultures and just for people in general. I want to explore and I feel like I gained a confidence that I didn't have before. I realized I need to stop thinking and worrying so much about the end point and just embrace and enjoy the journey that I'm on in life, and that's something I struggle with every day, but I'm going to keep working on it.
I learned a little bit in Ireland about a concept called mindfulness. "Mindfulness is a state of active, open attention on the present. When you're mindful, you observe your thoughts and feelings from a distance, without judging them good or bad. Instead of letting your life pass you by, mindfulness means living in the moment and awakening to experience." In this crazy, fast-paced and technological world it's often very difficult to do this because we are so robotic in our every day motions and we get so caught up in our phones and everything. But you can even have moments of mindfulness for the 2 minutes that you're brushing your teeth every day. I have been trying to practice mindfulness little by little every day. I, of course, get caught up in the worry, the chaos, the technology...but I have noticed even taking 10 minutes a day to just sit outside or in a quiet place, breathe in and out, and be completely aware can make a huge difference. It's very spiritual and psychological...two things that are right up my alley!
So, for now I am trying to make the choice, daily, to fully embrace and enjoy this journey I'm on in life! I do not know what the future holds, and most days I am still completely lost, but I have high hopes that it will be great! My "big girl" job is hopefully on the horizon and eventually I'll find my special man to share the rest of this adventure with. Until then...I'll just keep truckin', as they say, and live a life full of love!
Saturday 7 September 2013
To my SAOL Team
It feels a bit unreal that yesterday was my last day at SAOL. I want to say thank you again for the card and the gift...I'll try this crazy beans and toast concoction and report back to you all! I really appreciate all the kind words from everyone. I wanted to share my thoughts about these past two months with you all, and I knew I could do it best through writing so here goes...
I am really thankful for the opportunity to have interned at SAOL. If I'm going to be completely honest, it was hard for me at times, and I wondered if I was really being a help to the team or just being more of a burden. As you all know, this was a huge adventure for me and I'm sorry if I let some of those emotions get in the way of my work. 2 months is a difficult amount of time to work with because I feel like right as I was getting completely comfortable and starting to feel like this was becoming home, I have to pack up and leave. I learned so much, though, and I would not have traded my time at SAOL for anything else. While the children really wore on my energy most days, they also tugged at my heartstrings and I will miss them all. Working with the women was also great. I learned a lot from them by listening to their stories and I wish them all the best!
I just want you all to know how much I enjoyed getting to know you. I have a lot of respect for you all and will miss you! Thank you for everything. Thank you for the laughs, for teaching me, and for making me feel like I was a part of the team and not just coming to work every day to see my coworkers, but to see friends. I wish you all the best in your lives and I do hope we stay in touch! (This is one of the few pros of facebook!) If you ever come to Colorado, know that you will have a friend to get in touch with!
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