Almost two months ago I sat down and wrote a blog post that was full of happiness, excitement, love and optimism for the future. This year started out great and I truly thought everything in my life was finally falling perfectly into place...I was starting a new job that would pay more, I had a great boyfriend and we were going to move in together. Then, in the blink of an eye, everything that I had planned fell apart and it went like this:
- I started my job and wasn't feeling too sure about it, but I thought it was just new job jitters.
- My boyfriend very unexpectedly broke up with me and erased me from his life...without giving any real explanation or closure to me.
- Anxiety hit me like a ton of bricks.
- Within a week ,I quit my job knowing in my gut and in my heart that it was the best decision for me. After a lot of thought, I realized that I had taken the job for money and because I knew it's what everyone around me wanted to do...despite it not feeling completely right from the beginning of the interview process. (Lesson learned there!)
My quarter life crisis had begun.
Never in my life had I felt so defeated as I did that week. I has struggled for a few years to find a good relationship and a good career. I believed I had finally found those and I had everything planned out. To watch all those plans disappear within a matter of moments was devastating. I'm not going to lie, I was a complete wreck for about a solid week. From the second I woke up every morning (or every time I woke up in the middle of the night because I wasn't sleeping well) my stomach and my heart felt so heavy, I couldn't eat without wanting to throw up, and all I wanted to do was cry because that seemed to be the only thing that would help release some pain for a brief moment. Sleep was the next best option, even though my dreams didn't always let me escape.
I was heartbroken, angry, frustrated, hurt, sad, and confused about everything...the end of the relationship and the fact that I was now jobless and had no freaking clue what I was going to do... and you better believe that I absolutely let myself feel all of those emotions to the very depth of my soul. I let them control me for a solid week. I know that these are things that people go through every day, but I admit I am a highly emotional person. I love the saying: "It is both a blessing and a curse to feel things so deeply."
The incredible thing, though, is that despite feeling all of those horrible emotions, I could still feel deep down a teeny tiny spark of hope and optimism. There was a small part of me that would have to tell myself everyday that I was going to be okay. It was faith in God that He would bring me through this and lead me to where I need to be.
After spending a week in Utah, (a huge thank you to Aunt Pam & Uncle Tom for flying me out there and taking care of me!) and gathering my thoughts, I reached a point of acceptance with where my life is at. Now, here's the thing that I think it very important for people to know: Acceptance and being "over" something are two completely different things. I am definitely not "over" everything yet. I still have moments of sadness, anger, and confusion. I'm still healing my heart and mind, working on letting go. Acceptance, though, has been helping that process. Acceptance is saying, "Okay. This sucks, and I am allowed to feel all of these crappy emotions, but I know that this is the reality. All these things happened for a reason and it is probably for the best. I am okay and I will continue to be okay."
I have had a lot of support from friends and family as well, which has really helped. So, especially to my incredible mom, and all my friends and family who have been there for me, thank you! You all mean the world to me and I don't know what I would do without you.
It's funny, though, how quickly I reached a point where I just didn't really want to talk to people about everything. I have already reached a certain point of acceptance and, quite honestly, I just don't want to deal with rehashing the whole story and hearing some of the typical responses:
- "It's his loss"
- It's not just his loss. I clearly lost someone I cared about. I lost a relationship and a plan for the future. That's something to grieve, and no one should tell me otherwise.
- "You're still young, just have fun and date."
- I hate this. I just hate it. I will have fun in my life whether I am young, old, single or in a relationship. I don't want to date a ton of people and if I were to meet the love of my life tomorrow I don't want to be told that I'm still too "young".
- "The right job will come along"
- I know it will. I know it doesn't always happen overnight. I think I'm old enough to realize that this is not the end of the world.
I know some of my friends and family have already said these things to me, and I understand. I know that it is coming from a place of caring and wanting to be positive for me, and I appreciate that. Sometimes, though, these responses feel like that person is minimizing what I'm going through and feeling. It's almost like saying, "Whatever. Let it go already." Because I know that things will get better, sometimes I just want acknowledgment that it's okay to feel whatever I am feeling in this moment.
So, I'm going to leave you with this last thought...if someone you know is going through a rough time and they confide in you how they are feeling, try to avoid all of those typical responses just for a bit. Try to just acknowledge that their feelings and emotions are real and they are okay. Even though it's usually not intentional, don't make them feel bad for what they're feeling. We all grieve and process differently and within different amounts of time. Simply be there for your friend or family member if that's what they need.
My mom did a great job of reminding me to stay positive and to take care of myself, but she mostly just let me cry on her shoulder. She showed her support by letting me know she understood how I was feeling because of her own experiences, and let me know that everything I was feeling was normal and it was okay. That was the best support I could have asked for.
Phew...so if you've made it this far, you've made it through my rollercoaster of emotions. Thank you.
