This particular Grandparent's Day has been pretty special to me because it marks the first that I have not had all four grandparents alive. As most of you know my grandpa Ray passed away a little over a month ago. Wow...it's already been over a month. How time flies and life here on Earth carries on for everyone else...
We all know that everyone eventually passes on, but until that reality hits it's hard to understand. I have known of death in distant relatives and acquaintances and I have cried at funerals, feeling the pain of others who are grieving. I have never truly known how to empathize, though, until now. I have been so incredibly blessed in my 24 years of life that I have not truly known the heartache of losing someone close to me. So as you can imagine, this has been difficult for me.
I have always been scared of death. The first funeral I attended was for my great-grandma when I was about five or six years old. During the viewing of the body, my cousin Chelsea took me up to the casket and dared me to touch her. I touched her hand for a brief second and it freaked me out. (She also used to love to take me walking through the cemetery behind my aunt and uncle's house, which I did not like. Thanks, Chelsea, for traumatizing me as a young child! lol) Anyway, I remember from such a young age that I was scared with funerals, cemeteries, and I was absolutely terrified of me or my loved ones dying. It seemed so dark and creepy. To be quite honest with you, I have been scared of death until this year. A huge part of that is attributed to experiencing my grandpa's death, but it also has to do with a strengthened faith and relationship with God. Knowing what awaits us...eternal life after death...makes it not so scary.
When my grandpa was in the hospital and we knew he was going to pass soon it was incredibly important to me that I be there, not only as a support for my family, but selfishly to give myself that understanding and closure, for lack of a better term. As hard and emotional as it was, I will never regret the decision to be there.
It was a spiritual experience, and an absolute honor, to witness his last breaths here on Earth.
That night the room was filled with tears, laughter,and sadness yet there was such a sense of peace within me. His suffering has ended. No more back or hip pain. No more discomfort from the stroke. It is all gone and he is in God's hands now. That's a beautiful thing. My heart is broken, in a way that I have never felt before,..broken and grieving for my grandma who lost her husband of almost 65 years, for my aunt and dad who have lost their father, and for my cousins, brothers and myself who have lost such a loving and amazing grandfather.
After experiencing his passing and being able to hold his hand, talk to him and kiss his forehead shortly after his last breaths, I am not so afraid of death anymore.
I will still be completely uncomfortable with it. I will cry. I will grieve. I will let my heart be completely broken. I will not want to experience change and the hurt of missing someone. I will miss my grandpa terribly. I will miss his laugh, his stories, and his awkward yet oh so endearing hugs. But I will take comfort in knowing that death is a new beginning and we will all be together again someday.
I will say, I even overcame a bit of my fear from that 5-year-old moment of touching a body in a casket. I was able to place my hand on my grandpa's shoulder to say my final goodbye at the viewing, It's a strange feeling, but it was one of those things that I knew I needed to do for myself. My brother, Josh, explained it perfectly: It's like seeing Dale Earnhardt's car, but Dale Earnhardt isn't there. The driver is gone. It's just not the same.
While writing about the funeral and the viewing, I want to take a moment to thank everyone who has shown love and support to my family and me during this time. Thank you to Ft. Logan for a beautiful and emotional service with military honors. Thank you to Uncle Gale and Rick who, with my brothers, cousin Sarah and I, shared the honor of being pall bearers. Although I know they won't read this, I want to thank all of my grandpa's old coworkers and friends who attended the funeral and shared stories of their admiration for him. He was absolutely loved by so many and that makes my heart feel so full. I am filled with admiration for him and all that he did in his lifetime. I am inspired by him to fill my life with hobbies and passions. Nothing was out of reach for him and I won't let it be for me either.
This year has made me realize how truly blessed I am to have four incredible grandparents who have always been so generous and supportive. They are all so special to me and I wish I could keep them all in my life forever...and I will even if they may not always be here physically.
If I could just throw in a dash of humor for a second, this is a note to my grandparents now: Please just hang in there until I get married and have kids. I'd really like them to know you. I know at the rate I'm going it seems like that will never happen, but it will, I promise! :)
Anyway, I am lucky enough to have been able to spend a lot of time with my grandma Lou this past month since my grandpa's passing. She is such an incredible woman. She is strong, stubborn in the best ways and so full of God's love. I was also so thankful to be able to visit my grandpa Bud and grandma Frances today. To just sit with my grandparents for a few hours and talk about life is life-giving and fulfilling. I am amazed by their strength, generosity, stubbornness (It's all that German and Irish on both sides of the family!) and the fullness of their hearts with God's love also. I mean, wow. I wish I could just brag to everyone about everything all of my grandparents have done in their lives and what they have given me in this life. If I can be half the woman that both of my grandmothers are, I will be so lucky. (and incredibly fierce...watch out, world!) And I can only hope that my husband has the love and dedication to family that both of my grandpas have.
With all of that being said, I want to conclude this post by saying thank you. Thank you Grandpa Ray, Grandma Lou, Grandpa Bud and Grandma Frances for being the best grandparents I could ever ask for! Thank you for all of the experiences, memories, lessons, gifts, jokes, laughs, tears, and love over the years. I hope you all know how appreciated and loved you are by me and by so many others. While I could make this a whole other post, I want to share just a few of my favorite memories from my grandparents over the years:
With Grandpa Bud and Grandma Frances:
- Road and camping trips in your 5th wheel. So many great trips camping in style!
- Sleepovers with popcorn and ice cream every night
- Fishing
- Grandpa's ridiculous jokes that I need to start writing down so I can share them with my grandkids one day
- Shopping ALL day with grandma...how did we do it??
- Getting to spend almost every holiday together.
With Grandpa Ray and Grandma Lou:
- Trips to the museum, letting Josh & I wander around while grandpa worked in the lab (also, the tours of areas prohibited to the public)
- Fishing (and breaking grandpa's rule: Don't catch more fish than him...oops!)
- Strudels with blue frosting for breakfast
- Easter egg hunts
- "beach" days at Chatfield
- Getting to spend almost every holiday together.
So much love to you all!
