I believe we all have callings in our lives. God has a plan for each of us and He has placed desires in our hearts that evolve over time to ultimately fulfill His plan for the kingdom. Ever since I was a little girl I knew that one of my callings is to be a mom. I loved playing mom with my baby dolls, dressing them up and loving on them. I loved trying to dress up my cat and love on him too...that didn’t always work out so well...but nonetheless I knew was born to love, raise and care for little ones.
In high school my friends and I always talked about how I would be married with at least 2 or 3 kids before my 25th birthday. While all my other friends dreamed of going to college and pursuing their dream careers I dreamed of being a wife and a mom. Of course I never said this throughout college, though, when everybody and their mom asked what I was going to school for and what I wanted to do for my career. I would rattle off something like maybe a teacher or a counselor. (Things I really had considered, but wasn’t quite passionate about in that moment). But deep down inside I always ached a little because what I really wanted to say was “Be a mom!” Yet I was afraid that people wouldn’t understand or that they would say those stupid typical things that I often heard like, “just enjoy the time you have now because kids will change or ruin your life” or “you have plenty of time to have kids.” Or my favorite - some feminist rant about how women should build their careers before their families because we have a glass ceiling to break. For the record, I know and believe that there are women out there who are meant to do this, but it’s not me. But isn’t it just as important to raise, teach and discipline our next generation of men and women to be good people who don’t build those glass ceilings to begin with?
Anyway, I hated hearing these things. It hurt deep in my heart. It felt as though someone was telling me that my dream wasn’t good enough, or wasn’t important enough and that it could be put on hold so I could “enjoy life”. As if all joy, fun, and opportunity is sucked away when you have kids.
Fast forward a few years and here I am. 27 and married. No kids. Working my 9-6 job that’s not horrible, but isn’t always great either. Trying to indulge in my maternal desires by smothering the cat and dog. My timeline and plan didn’t quite work how I wanted it to...it never does. And it’s in this place that I wrestle to find contentment.
A year ago Matt and I decided that I would go off birth control so that hopefully after a few months of letting my body regulate we could start trying for a baby. I, of course, brought up the idea first, but Matt needed a couple days to think and pray about it, because he wanted to wait a bit longer to start having kids. Then a couple nights later at the dinner table he told me that he agreed we should start trying. Overwhelming joy descended upon me and all I could do was cry because my dream finally felt like it could become a reality.
So, I stopped my pill, started taking prenatal vitamins, let my body regulate for a couple months and in December 2017 we officially started trying for a baby. I anxiously awaited those few weeks before we would know....either my period would come or I would be pregnant! Those weeks came....no period! So then came the pregnancy test....negative. Ok, wait a few more days. Still no period. Still a negative test. I was in this cycle for a couple weeks until I finally called my doctor and asked for a blood test...negative. I was crushed and confused. How could I not have a period, and not be pregnant? I had always been regular so why was this happening now? The next month came and went...still no period...still no positive test.
I let this go on for 7 months. 7 months of anger, confusion, frustration, sadness, fatigue, depression, anxiety, doubt, until I finally decided to go to the doctor in July. Some blood results came back showing that my thyroid levels were WAY out of whack. I guess I wasn’t totally surprised considering my mom, grandma and great grandma all have/had hypothyroidism. It was bound to happen to me sometime. So, I started thyroid medication and also took a dose of hormones to jump start my cycle. I’ll spare you the details of what that period was like, but let me just say I think my uterus was thankful to clean house after 7 long months! I started to feel positive, thinking my body was finally going to get back on track. My thyroid med dosage had to be adjusted slightly, but already I was feeling so much better. I started working out, focusing more on eating healthy and felt like I was finally getting back to normal. Fast forward to the middle of October and I still hadn’t had a natural period, though.
Throughout this whole year I have kept telling myself that it’s just not God’s timing for us to have a baby right now and His timing is perfect. But that doesn’t take away the emotions. That doesn’t take away the pain every time someone asks when we are having a baby or demands that we should get on it. I can only bear to say, “it’s not like we aren’t trying” so many times. It doesn’t take away the sting when I see a new baby announcement on social media. It doesn’t take away the anger and moments of doubt. It doesn’t take away the questions - why do they get to have babies when they weren’t even trying or didn’t want one? It doesn’t take away the heartbreak.
On top of this, Matt has another dream of his own that he has been anxiously pursuing this year that has put us through a long, tedious and frustrating process. This could be a whole other blog post so I’ll keep it short. The process he is going through keeps getting postponed months at a time which leaves us even more frustrated and confused as to what God has planned for us.
And here’s the thing we’ve had to accept – this is God’s plan right now. God has us in a season of waiting because it’s good for us. Sometimes God puts us through these seasons of testing so that we can learn and grow to truly depend on and trust in Him. Matt and I have experienced this testing in so many ways this year - our marriage, our jobs, our dreams and desires. It has not been easy. It has not always been seen as a blessing or as something good. We have both wanted to give up. We have both been hurt and shed tears, but we have also both matured and sought God like we never have before. And He has responded in faithfulness, meeting us in those messy places.
Our hope and our trust has come from the simple fact that sometimes God isn’t saying “No” to our prayers, He’s saying, “Not Yet”. A blocked door is not necessarily a closed door.
As I sit here now, having taken a few days to get all these thoughts in writing, I am still filled with moments of sadness, anger, frustration, and confusion, but I am also filled with gratitude and hope. I have hope for our marriage, our jobs, our dreams and desires. I have hope that my body is back to normal, because (Praise God!) in the final days of writing this my period started! 100% naturally, no hormones. I have hope that I will be a mom someday soon. But that day isn’t here yet and I don’t know when it will be here. So in the meantime I still need to fight every day to find contentment.
I know I am not the only one who has ever felt this way, and I know my situation could be worse. There are SO many women out there who have been trying to have a baby for months, even years and are hurting. There are women who desire so badly to be moms but are struggling every day to get pregnant; there are women who are suffering miscarriages or dealing with infertility; and there are women who are simply just still in that season of waiting - for the right man, the right time, whatever it may be. They are angry, frustrated, confused, hurting, desperate and heartbroken. If you are one of these women, please know that I am praying for you. I empathize with you and I love you.
So many women don’t share about their struggles until they have had a successful pregnancy and are in that season of joy. I’m not there yet, but I am sick of holding all of these emotions in to myself. I want women to know that it’s ok to talk about these things. We should not be ashamed to honestly share our struggles and our hurt.
And to anyone reading this, if you know a woman, any woman at all, please stop telling her she has all the time in the world to have babies. Please stop telling her that kids will change her life as if it’s the most horrible thing that could happen to her. Please stop asking or demanding when she is going to have kids. Please stop defaulting to telling her it will happen when it’s supposed to. For women who really want children, these statements and questions can be hurtful. I’m not saying that we need to just completely avoid talking about babies and pregnancy at all, but please try to be more sensitive about it. Have a gentle tone when approaching the subject -not demanding or assuming - because you never know what struggles someone has been through. And please, never ever criticize a woman for "just" wanting to be a mom. Just because it's the 21st century doesn't mean we all have to be career women.
I believe that being a mom will be the most challenging, exhausting, and emotional job I could ever have, but also the most rewarding, and I cannot wait until I get that opportunity. Until that time comes, "I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope. I wait for the Lord" Psalm 130:5
